I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
