the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
so let's talk penis.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
