this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
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My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
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Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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