Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
