Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
