can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
