i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
