What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
