youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
