Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
