I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
