dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
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she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
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He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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