At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
