Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
