My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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