she woke up with a sticky ear
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
