We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
