when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
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