I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
