I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
