she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
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he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
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Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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