I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
should my penis look like a turkey
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
