I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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