Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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