i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
