Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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