Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
