So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
