Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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