There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Your topless pictures make me question reality
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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