just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
