you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
