I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
