Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
