Acid is not a monday night drug
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
