Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
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One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
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I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Never underestimate the power of titties
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