I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
