everyone is single if you try hard enough
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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