How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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