Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
