What a fucking waste of an outfit
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
