He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
