I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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