I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
