Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
A bitchslap is in order.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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