I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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