I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
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I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
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I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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