Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
