we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
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I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
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You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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