Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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