A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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