broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
