I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
