Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
