I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize