I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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