Jerry, you need to find god
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
