He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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