i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
