He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
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he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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