I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
