I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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